Is it normal to grieve a friend like family?

You've probably heard the saying 'friends are the family we choose'. While it may sound like a popular cliché, it carries a world of meaning - and for many, it couldn't be more true.

Laura Greenwood, Psychotherapist, Laura Greenwood Therapy, Holmfirth, UK, says grieving the loss of a friend is completely natural and can sometimes feel even more profound because they were a chosen part of your life.

"Many people feel that when we have a familial bond, we must keep family relationships together even if they are unhealthy for us," she explains. "With friends, we are mostly in these relationships, because we want to be. We choose them because they enrich our life in some way."

Greenwood believes that friends can fulfil many different needs in our lives. Some friends are there for fun and adventure, others offer a shoulder to cry on, and many appreciate us through our best and worst moments. The most valuable friendships offer support, joy, and understanding in every aspect of our lives.

Grief is an experience we all face at some point in our lives. However, it is a deeply personal journey, processed differently by everyone and at their own pace. This is especially true when coping with the loss of a close friend.

Greenwood advises that your experience of grief is uniquely yours, and you should allow yourself to feel it without guilt or pressure. No one has the right to dictate how much you should grieve - no matter who you’ve lost.

"It can be hard when other people do not understand it," she says. "The truth is, no one can understand your experience because it is yours to own."

She adds that, as a society, we often feel the need to 'fix' things and make them better. But because grief isn’t something that can be fixed, it may seem like others don’t understand your pain - when in reality, they’re simply unsure of how to help.

Navigating time off work after losing a friend can be challenging. While there are clear guidelines for bereavement leave following the loss of a close family member, there is often little guidance or support when grieving a friend.

"You could be closer to a friend than one of your parents and therefore, your grieving process may be more significant and need more time off," explains Greenwood, "Sadly, workplace policy often does not take this into account, and it takes an extremely understanding and flexible manager to see and understand when 'at the manager’s discretion’ needs to be used."

She recommends that when discussing time off work, it's important to remember that if you are unable to work due to your mental and emotional health - which grieving falls under - you may be entitled to take time off.

Learning to recognise and accept your emotions - including grief - is essential for healing. Avoiding your feelings, no matter how difficult they may be, is not a healthy way to cope with loss.

Greenwood describes how society often lacks the tools and understanding needed to process grief in a healthy and supportive way.

"I believe we have taught people to avoid emotions and sweep difficult experiences under the carpet," she explains. "To change this, we need to openly talk about loss and grief - to know, understand, feel, process and regulate emotions effectively."

"Each day and moment, check in with what the right balance is for you in feeling your feelings, and living your everyday life," she says. "So many people fear if they feel their feelings, they will not be able to function. However, it is possible to boundary feel your feelings and still live your life."

Greenwood says that in the depths of grief, it’s natural to focus on all that you have lost. However, by allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions, over time, your perspective will begin to shift - moving from loss to appreciation for the love, memories, and moments you shared with that person.

"There will be sadness, but there will also be that feeling of love and connection," she adds. "Because even though your friend may not be in your life physically anymore, they will always be part of your story."

Grief is not a linear journey. While there are common stages in the grieving process, it is not something that simply happens, is experienced, and then disappears. Instead, it evolves over time, sometimes resurfacing in unexpected ways.

"There are times in our lives where we feel like we are totally accepting of our loss, and then out of the blue, we may feel angry again at what was taken from us, or overwhelming sadness," says Greenwood. "This does not mean you have gone backwards in your grieving. You are just in another stage."

She explains that while the stages of grief will pass, this happens only when you allow yourself to accept your emotions as they come. It’s important to trust what you’re feeling, knowing that each emotion serves a purpose in the healing process.

During difficult times, give yourself permission to prioritise your needs and seek support - whether that’s confiding in friends or family who understand your grief or reaching out for professional help.

"Often, it can take time to find a support offering that works for you and your needs at the time," she says. "My suggestion is to try different things if you are open to it.

"Whilst the above services are specialist for grief, know that most therapists, within the NHS, charitable sector, or private, will have experience in supporting people who have gone through grief."