Is getting a sleep divorce the key to better rest?

What is a sleep divorce?

In essence, a sleep divorce doesn’t have to be as dramatic as the name implies. It won't necessarily mean your connection with your partner will change - in fact, it could even help strengthen it. The primary goal is to improve your health, not harm your relationship, though it’s still a decision worth considering carefully.

Dr Atul Malhotra, board-certified pulmonologist and sleep medicine specialist, University of California, San Diego, USA explains that a sleep divorce typically occurs when couples decide to sleep in separate rooms because one partner’s snoring or restlessness makes sharing a bed difficult.

He says: “For many, sleeping apart becomes a desperate attempt to preserve rest and, as a result, overall health.”

Ciara Bogdanovic, licensed marriage and family therapist, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy, Los Angeles, USA adds that getting a sleep divorce does not mean your relationship is ending. It is about prioritising your sleep hygiene rather than following the expectation that couples must share a bed.

Common triggers of a sleep divorce

One of the most common reasons couples choose to sleep apart is that the bedtime habits of either partner can interfere with quality sleep. Getting enough rest is essential for maintaining your overall wellbeing, so consistently disrupted sleep can have a significant impact on your health and daily functioning.

Malhotra explains that snoring is one of the biggest triggers of a sleep divorce.

“It’s often dismissed as ‘just noise,’ but in reality, it can signal disorders such as obstructive sleep apnoea (OSA),” he says. “The disrupted sleep caused by OSA doesn’t just impact the person snoring - it fragments their partner’s rest and drains both partners’ daytime energy.

“Over time, sleep deprivation can cause irritability, poor emotional regulation, and lower relationship satisfaction for both partners, essentially creating a cycle where exhaustion feeds frustration.”

Malhotra adds that untreated OSA is far more serious than many realise.

He warns: “Because sleep affects nearly every system in the body, poor sleep quality can quietly chip away at both physical health and emotional connection.”

Is a sleep divorce good for your health?

There’s no denying that getting enough sleep - both in quantity and quality - is crucial for your health. However, choosing to sleep apart from your partner to achieve this brings a more complex level to the conversation.

Bogdanovic says that prioritising quality sleep doesn't necessarily mean sacrificing intimacy or emotional closeness.

“A strong relationship is built on intention, not just proximity,” she explains. “Also, well-rested partners are often more patient, emotionally available, and engaged with each other. Prioritising good sleep sets your relationship up for success. As long as the couple approaches this arrangement with mutual respect and clear communication, it is a healthy choice.”

Dr Hana Patel is an NHS GP and resident sleep expert at Time4Sleep, UK. She says that good quality sleep increases your energy levels, improves your mood, and promotes better overall health.

She explains: “Although sleeping separately sounds like a negative thing, many couples have reported feeling closer and more intimate with their partner, feeling less frustrated or resentful towards them due to their snoring, and have seen an overall improvement in their physical and mental health.

“If you are finding that sleeping with your partner is causing you to experience long-term lack of sleep, and that your health and wellbeing are negatively impacted as a result, it may be time to consider a sleep divorce.”

Downsides of a sleep divorce

Getting uninterrupted sleep sounds like a no-brainer for your health. However, our experts aren’t entirely convinced that sleeping apart from your partner is always the better choice.

Malhotra reiterates that sleeping separately can bring short-term benefits, but long-term, a sleep divorce can also come with downsides.

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• Emotional distance.

• Reduced intimacy.

• Fewer opportunities to relax and connect as a couple.

Patel explains that many couples who try a sleep divorce actually end up sharing a bed again, perhaps due to missing each other.

“There is research that suggests some couples experience better sleep quality overall and emotional regulation from sleeping next to each other,” she says. “However, these benefits often depend on the absence of major sleep disturbances.”

She notes that some studies show that sleeping next to your partner could actually boost your REM sleep - the stage where most dreaming happens and one that’s key to feeling properly rested.

“One in particular showed that compared to sleeping individually, co-sleeping was associated with roughly 10% more REM sleep,” Patel explains. “Co-sleeping can lead to more synchronised sleep patterns, with the presence of a partner having the potential to impact our sleep cycles and waking times.”

How to ask for a sleep divorce

Bringing up the idea of a sleep divorce can be tricky - especially if one partner suggests it before there’s a mutual agreement that sleeping separately is something both are comfortable trying.

Patel suggests that if you think a sleep divorce might be helpful, start by discussing the idea openly with your partner. Try it out for a short period to see if it makes a difference. If sharing a bed is seriously affecting your sleep quality, it’s worth having an honest, reassuring conversation about finding a solution that works for you both.

Bogdanovic stresses the importance of talking openly and sincerely - sharing how you feel while being mindful of your partner’s emotions too.

“Start by explaining that you want to work on your sleep hygiene and why that is important to you,” she advises. “Frame the conversation in a positive way. Emphasise that sleeping separately is a way to support each person’s health and the quality of the relationship.

“Highlight the benefits - such as better sleep, more patience, and more energy to connect. Reassure your partner that the goal is to improve how you both feel, not to create distance.”

Alternatives to a sleep divorce

If a sleep divorce isn't for you, there are alternatives you can try to protect your sleep while staying in the same bed as your partner.

Try a pair of earplugs

If the reason you thought you might want a sleep divorce is because of your partner’s snoring, then buying some earplugs may be a good way to go.

Patel explains that studies have shown that sleeping with earplugs - as well as an eye mask - can help improve the quality of your night’s sleep by blocking out background noise and ambient light.

Stagger your sleep schedules

Heading to bed before your partner may be a strategic way to reduce the amount of time you are exposed to sleep-disrupting noises, such as snoring.

“Getting a head start on your partner who is a snorer can be a good method for getting a good night’s rest, as it allows you time to settle into deep sleep before your partner begins snoring,” says Patel.

“This tactic may not work well for those who are light sleepers, however, as they may be woken up by their partner anyway when they come to bed, or if they snore particularly loudly.”

Adopter des habitudes plus saines

If you have general sleeping difficulties, certain lifestyle changes could make a big difference. These changes may be specific to you, as the issue might not necessarily be caused by your partner's behaviours.

Patel recommends you improve your daily routine to become more beneficial for sleep.

“This includes cutting caffeine intake after lunchtime and reducing screen time in the hours leading up to bed,” she explains. “I would suggest creating a regular sleep routine, with set hours for waking up and going to bed, to allow your body to prepare itself for sleep, and to improve your overall quality of sleep.

"Becoming more physically active during the day can also have a positive impact on the ease with which you fall asleep.”